Halloween

Hi,

I like Halloween. That is as direct of a statement I can make. I think there is something so amazing about going out at night in my neighborhood (unsupervised!), dressing up as whatever the hell your heart can imagine, and getting lots of FREE candy. This holiday was made for Americans. Now, many of us have gotten to the point where it's not too acceptable to go out and trick-or-treat, and I definitely understand. My last year was my senior year of High School, those that look down on me, All I have to say is FREE CANDY! Regardless of my confidence, taking too many stares from disapproving mom's was bad enough, but going up to houses and getting candy from kids younger than me was almost as pathetic as the last time I willfully ate Cinnabon (which was August 20, 2010 roughly around 1:30 PM). Eric, Nate, Weston, Michael, Bruno, and Mat those were some good ass times, sorry if I left anyone else out.

If you were lucky, Halloween would fall on a Friday or Saturday, so afterwards you could have a sick-ass slumber party filled with a rousing game of Butt-Blasters and Mario Party, eventually leading into a not-at-all-homoerotic dog pile. I have to first explain what "Butt-Blasters" is because that piece of knowledge is critical to my heterosexuality.

I don't quite remember the exact rules, but the funniest and yet most disturbing part of the game involved one of us kneeling down onto our legs, so imagine the fetal position where the base of your body is resting on your calves, with their back side facing us. Then, we would take turns taking this small wooden hockey stick or ping-pong paddle (shooters choice) and smack a ping-pong ball at their butt. The hilarity ensued when you got a good shot in. Which would then be followed by 4 AM slap-happy laughing until you vomed up candy and soda. Clearly hitting things at each others butts could possibly be the funniest thing ever, of all time.

Never in my life have I ever typed that out or had to explain it, but if you didn't think we were weird as hell before, you sure do now. I am seriously questioning my normality considering other things I did when I was younger...We were in middle-school and all clothes remained on you sick perverts.

Now, Halloween has become yet another reason to get drunk and make a complete ass of yourself in a costume this time. It gives both guys and girls the equal opportunity to turn whatever sweet childhood figure, into a sexual, erotic, desirable being. They've turned Vampires and Werewolves into the sex symbols of our generation. I honestly thought they should've gone with Frankenstein and Ghouls, but I'm just thinking out loud. I seriously saw some girl skank up a Mrs. Pacman costume once, which is one of the furthest thing from sexy, unless you're regular Pacman obviously. Even then, Mrs. Pacman looks just like if regular Pacman went drag.

Still we all will eventually grow up, get respectful jobs, and become the parents pocketing flasks that we take a pull from waiting on the sidewalk while our kids head the pack of kids and then fall back to the back of the group to get seconds. I called it the two for one special, my candy intake doubled then eventually tripled when I created this little maneuver. Unlike other people's rendition of this move, I would do it on the same trip to the house, so you never had to double back, take the house for all its worth, and never look back. One time, I successfully got a woman to give me candy 5 times, and she was handing out full candy bars. It was revolutionary. My greatest con, I felt like a little Neal Caffrey. I look forward to teaching my kids these little ratty tricks.

This Halloween I will be going back to Madison, WI, where my roommate August originates from. I look forward to a night of responsible drinking and bobbing for apples, with the exciting possibility of mingling with safe friendly strangers, as well as dear old friends.

I know this post should have been for Thursday night, but I'm just gonna write it now because I can, and it was freshest on my mind. Hope your Halloweens are full of some free candy, and a whole lot of responsible intoxication.

Night, Nite, Knight,
Jarrad